[Hillbilly]

I found this to be entertaining and somewhat helpful

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish
while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled
potato and it will absorb the excess salt for
an instant "fix-me-up.

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you
are cooking, that's too **** bad. Please recite
with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it
tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it
in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila,
chill and drink. You might still have the headache,
but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom
of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the
bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably
lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple
in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it
in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't
be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate
it for you.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

HB

[Aunt Clara]

It's a real honor to have you here. That was really funny... and now it's given me the idea that we should start a thread with cooking/food/dieting jokes.

I will change the title of the thread, hope you don't mind.

[Aunt Ilana]

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

[Aunt Clara]

But one of my all-times favorite quotes:

Quote:

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done. Homer Simpson

[Aunt Clara]

Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.

The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.

Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.

A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.

Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two ... alone.

People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.

Sweets are the destiny that shape our ends.

A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.

A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.

For some, dieting is a weigh of life.

On a diet? Go to the paint store. You can get thinner there.

It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonald's.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

[Veevee]

Cool thread. Here's some I got in an email:
---***---***---***---***---***---***---***---
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."

I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.

[girdhar]

Hi, here is one I found Interesting ,

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake.